FRANKEE – The Bitch
Have you ever sat next to a group of people that talk so loudly that you are almost forced to listen? It happened to me again this week. However, before I continue my story, let me state this: Believe me when I say that I had no intention to interfere with the conversation below. Got it? Okay, here we go.
I was in a lunchroom with my laptop, minding my own business. A group of six girls sat next to me. One of the girls complimented me about my pants and I immediately decided that I thought she was the nicest of them all. After her remark, the rest of the group looked at my pants and made a disapproving face. I immediately decided that I did not like the rest of the group.
One of the girls sat at the head of the table. She was the only one of the group of friends that spoke constantly. ‘I get so many compliments about my eyelash extensions! Like seriously A LOT.’ Out of the blue she started talking about this, so it was clear that she was fishing for compliments. ‘Seriously girls, you should also consider having them. It has totally changed my life.’ I sighed. I had only ‘known’ her for a few minutes, but I already found her very annoying.
Then she started to tell a pretty bizarre story. ‘I think Amy is possessed by my grandmother.’ My ears perked up. If there’s something I find interesting, it is ghost stories (do not ask me why). ‘She looks at me constantly with so much wisdom and she constantly tries to grab my necklace that I got from my grandmother.’ Some of the girls looked shocked. One of them said she believed in reincarnation and then tried to share her own ghost story. The bitch immediately interrupted her. ‘I have not finished my story yet, Sandra!’ The girl immediately fell silent. ‘She always crawls to the woolen carpet that my grandmother knitted. In addition to that, she always laughs when I show her a picture of grandma. It’s all so coincidental!’
When their food came, she began to rattle that she was afraid she might have a nut allergy. ‘Not that I eat a lot of nuts, but it’s pretty much in almost every dish nowadays.’ Now I was confused. ‘It’s the kind of allergy that really creeps up on you. One day I’m fine eating a peanut butter sandwich and the next I get itchy after eating a handful of macadamia nuts, which are in fact superfoods, girls.’
I could no longer stand the conversation, and without even realizing, I interfered. ‘Peanuts are not nuts,’ I said. All eyes – including eyelash extensions – turned their focus to me. I was shocked that I had said it out loud and looked at her with big owl eyes. With a mouse voice, I explained that a peanut is a legume and not a nut.
‘Mind your own business! With your ugly pants!’ the bitch said. My mouse voice changed into a giant voice. ‘I hope you choke on a bunch of nuts with that possessed baby of yours.’ Now I was the bitch. I closed my laptop and left.
On my way home I walked past a nut shop. I decided to celebrate my inner-bitch by treating myself to a bag of macadamia nuts, because macadamia nuts are superfoods, girls.